I hope it’s not too hot in hell. We have plenty of ice water up here.
I was just thinking about how fucked up my life is right now… so, of course, you come to mind. You know, a lot of things were not right as I grew up. Not right between you and dad and all of us as a family. Yeah, I’m pretty pissed off about things.
Katie really needs you now. I bet she wishes she could have a mom to discuss things with like her friends do. You missed out on a lot of mother/daughter bonding times. She probably will not remember much of you in a couple decades. You just were never there.
You weren’t there for me, either. I think I’ve been pretty fucking abused in my life. Where were you? Wasn’t it your job to prevent these things? I’m pretty sure you knew that man was hurting me when I was a kid and you “allowed” me to switch schools. I’ll probably forgive you for that…someday. I can’t forgive you for ignoring me when the man across the street was brutally raping me.
You did have a lot of your own problems. I think you ignored them, too. I just wonder…maybe if you had worked on your problems a little bit, then you would still be here today. Forgiving you and having a better relationship would have been more of a reality if you were here. But you’re not. It hurts.
To My Abuser(s):
For the past year or several months… I don’t know how long… I’ve been having sex with random people. At first it was just some friends of friends…. and then it was their friends…and their friends…etc.
I’ve tried to stop it before. It just seems impossible sometimes. Basically, it’s my life right now. When I feel bad, that’s where I go. When I feel good, that’s what I do. Sometimes I do it instead of eating or do it instead of sleeping. Because it’s my life, I haven’t been to many classes this semester and it’s probably the main reason I dropped out of high school… plus, I stopped interacting with #yayforqueers
and all of the “friends” from high school.
Of course it’s not about the sex…well, mostly not about the sex. Almost everyone who reads this will know me as being gay. Well, I don’t know. I’m confused as hell, really. But I’ve been with guys and girls…whatever. I promise there have been no animals…. It’s more of a feeling of power. If they have sex with me then I am accepted by them and I can have anyone.
I try to come online once in a while and say hi to the people I really miss. Usually I end up going to porn and to a friend from #yfq
's who is always really horny and jacks off on his cam (doesn't want his name on here). Most things become sexual in my life now even when I don’t try. That’s because it has become a big part of my life.
I don’t think I’d be able to stop even if I tried. I don’t even know why I am telling everyone these things. It will probably gross some people out and no one will have a response. I know it’s weird. I think maybe I am just a very fucked up person. I’m sorry, I've just learned that it is kind of bad to hide and ignore problems....