End of Semester

Well, I've successfully failed every subject I was taking this semseter. This puts me in a tight spot on money and my living situation.

I was arrested for posession of cocaine and heroin but they only fined me because it was my first drug offense and it wasn't much stuff.

My Dad found out he has prostate cancer. His psa is well above normal so they are considering surgery and chemotherapy. I'm not really sure what he is going to do about it.

I hope everyone is doing okay.

I am fucked up

Dear Mom:

I hope it’s not too hot in hell. We have plenty of ice water up here.

I was just thinking about how fucked up my life is right now… so, of course, you come to mind. You know, a lot of things were not right as I grew up. Not right between you and dad and all of us as a family. Yeah, I’m pretty pissed off about things.

Katie really needs you now. I bet she wishes she could have a mom to discuss things with like her friends do. You missed out on a lot of mother/daughter bonding times. She probably will not remember much of you in a couple decades. You just were never there.

You weren’t there for me, either. I think I’ve been pretty fucking abused in my life. Where were you? Wasn’t it your job to prevent these things? I’m pretty sure you knew that man was hurting me when I was a kid and you “allowed” me to switch schools. I’ll probably forgive you for that…someday. I can’t forgive you for ignoring me when the man across the street was brutally raping me.

You did have a lot of your own problems. I think you ignored them, too. I just wonder…maybe if you had worked on your problems a little bit, then you would still be here today. Forgiving you and having a better relationship would have been more of a reality if you were here. But you’re not. It hurts.

To My Abuser(s):

Fuck you.

For the past year or several months… I don’t know how long… I’ve been having sex with random people. At first it was just some friends of friends…. and then it was their friends…and their friends…etc.

I’ve tried to stop it before. It just seems impossible sometimes. Basically, it’s my life right now. When I feel bad, that’s where I go. When I feel good, that’s what I do. Sometimes I do it instead of eating or do it instead of sleeping. Because it’s my life, I haven’t been to many classes this semester and it’s probably the main reason I dropped out of high school… plus, I stopped interacting with #yayforqueers and all of the “friends” from high school.

Of course it’s not about the sex…well, mostly not about the sex. Almost everyone who reads this will know me as being gay. Well, I don’t know. I’m confused as hell, really. But I’ve been with guys and girls…whatever. I promise there have been no animals…. It’s more of a feeling of power. If they have sex with me then I am accepted by them and I can have anyone.

I try to come online once in a while and say hi to the people I really miss. Usually I end up going to porn and to a friend from #yfq's who is always really horny and jacks off on his cam (doesn't want his name on here). Most things become sexual in my life now even when I don’t try. That’s because it has become a big part of my life.

I don’t think I’d be able to stop even if I tried. I don’t even know why I am telling everyone these things. It will probably gross some people out and no one will have a response. I know it’s weird. I think maybe I am just a very fucked up person. I’m sorry, I've just learned that it is kind of bad to hide and ignore problems....

(no subject)

I've been on an alien ship in a far away, yet neighborly, galaxy called "Caleb", ironically. They named it after a peculiar misconception between the human word for 'dog' and 'handsome'.

I'm glad to be back but they implanted things into my body that make me a little... well, "buzzed" may be the appropriate term for 'seriously obnoxious' and 'hyper sexual'. It doesn't seem to bother people but at times I have been known to scream odd phrases while running frantically in circles.

You'll be happy to know that the aliens do have higher intelligence and are not harmful in any way. However, the high intelligence they do have is quite similar to the same intelligence as a human male in a college fraternity. So, they party quite frequently and experiment with a lot of interesting drugs in the hopes it will bring them sexual pleasure.

I've missed my fans.

  • Current Mood
    bouncy bouncy

3 Good Things

I stole this off of a depression forum but it's a great idea that I am going to do on my journal.

I am going to type 3 positive things down. It can be any 3 good things that have happened recently or are going to happen that make me happy. I encourage you to do it too.

1. We didn't go to church today. Instead, I spent the time with my Dad at the store randomly finding things we liked to eat but didn't really need. We laughed together for the first time in a long time.

2. I finished this paper that was stressing me out this weekend. One less stress.

3. I found this book, "Girl, Interrupted" by Susanna Kaysen that looks interesting. I am looking forward to reading it.

Starting Over

Intelligent life forms! You all replied to my "Test" post which is being deleted after I finished typing out this one...So comment again!

Maybe you're wondering why I delted every entry before this one, made a new layout, and called you intelligent? Well, I am starting over on LiveJournal.

This is kind of a reincarnation for Kilbs. Everything that was typed before today is complete history, and like most history it will soon be forgotten, misinterpreted, and influenced by rich old white men (?)...

So the point of this story is that the brand new Klibs you read about now will be extraordinary, extravagant, and everything beyond your wildest dreams! (This means I expect comments!)

Also, new friends are always welcome to add me!

  • Current Mood
    cheerful cheerful